Sayonara, Weight Watchers

I canceled my Weight Watchers subscription yesterday. It was bittersweet. I have been an official member for four years (I've actually been using Weight Watchers since 2009, but not officially) and it worked great for me...until it didn't. They have a real problem listening to their members. When they switched from the Points system to PointsPlus, people groaned, but it was tolerable and I found success. Once they switched from PointsPlus to SmartPoints earlier this year, it was a complete disaster for me and for so many others. I haven't had any meaningful losses this entire year and it's depressing. So I left. No worries, though, for I have a plan! BUT I know I mentioned that I wasn't going to talk about weight loss anymore, and for the most part, I won't. That almost defeats the purpose of this blog and makes my headline irrelevant, but I think it's funny and clever so I'm keeping it and there's nothing you can do to about it. SO THERE! :)

There hasn't been much exciting happening in my life since my last post. I'm impatiently waiting to get a call for an interview that I was (am?) sure I was going to get. The position is still wide open, though, so maybe they wait until all applications are received before they start calling for interviews. I don't know how these things work, so, in the meantime, I'll continue my wishful thinking. 

The concert I've been really looking forward to is in nine days. I'm so excited to get out of this house and do something fun for a change. I'm very much an introvert and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've left this house to do something recreational this year. It's the life I choose, but I admit that it's exhausting doing nothing sometimes. 

And so ends another boring blog post. If you weren't entertained, hopefully I've at least put you to sleep. 

Two in one day!

GUESS WHAT?! I screwed it all up! AGAIN! Can I blame this all on PMS? I'm starting to wonder if blogging about food and dieting and all of that fun garbage is even worth it. It doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I read somewhere that food journaling is helpful, but, ummmmmmm NO. Time to regroup and come up with a new strategy. In the meantime, I'm going to stay away from discussing food and try to quietly do this on my own. Talking about it doesn't work so let's do the opposite! Maybe I'll post a blog in a few weeks announcing that I've dropped 40 pounds and that I'm now a supermodel.

Anyway, I guess I felt these thoughts warranted a second blog post today. I'm not sure what my next post will be about, but maybe something having to do with the love of my life: makeup. Yes, I love it. I'm obsessed with it. I have an obscene collection. Meh. Who wants to hear about that? Probably no one. I'm about to order the thing I was talking about yesterday but I'm still not going to say what it is. Trust me, it's for your own protection.

Something needs to change.

I made the mistake of walking by the most unflattering mirror today, but I don't know if I should blame the mirror or if I should blame myself. I should definitely blame myself.

Then I went to lunch.

But, shockingly, I was good. I had a salad. It was okay. Not very satisfying, but at least I know it wasn't loaded with calories. It was from Cracker Barrel which is why I'm surprised it wasn't that great. Maybe they were having an off day or maybe I don't like the taste of health. Probably the latter.

I haven't mentioned this before but I'm currently job-hunting and it's been crap. Today an opportunity arose that I think will be a perfect fit...but the pay sucks. I'm going to apply anyway because I need the experience and I think the pros outweigh the cons in this instance. I figure I'll give it a year and then search for better paying jobs. The last thing I want is to be bouncing from job to job, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Someday I'll be a productive member of society and it will be glorious.

I guess that's all. I'm tired and I'm hungry. Yes, hungry. I'm going to go stick my head in the fridge and find something decent (and bland) to eat and then I'll go to the grocery store to find more decent (and bland) food. At least if I get this job, I won't have time to obsess over that sexy refrigerator of mine.

Case of the Mondays.

Weeeeeeeell, I blew it today. Again. Tomorrow is a new day, though. I think I tell myself that every day. One day it might actually have meaning. Here's hoping.

I have to run errands with my dad tomorrow (his car isn't working), so that probably means going out to eat. I remember when I was a kid and going out to eat was something that rarely happened, so when it did, it seemed special. That sounds cheesy. Now it seems like I go out to eat more often than I stay home. It's weird because I don't like it. I mean, I eat things that taste WAY better when I'm at a restaurant because I can't cook for shit, but I think my body just gets to a point where it wants something real. I honestly think I could be vegan if I weren't so lazy and actually enjoyed food preparation. That's not to say that I want to be vegan, though. Honestly, they're annoying. I know that's a blanket statement so for those vegans who aren't completely irritating and self-righteous, I apologize. I wouldn't be doing it to save the animals or anything because the animals are fucking delicious. No, I would just do it for the health benefits. I'm not sure my body would know how to react if it were pumped full of fruits and vegetables even for a few days. Well...I think we all know how it would react, actually. *plop* Anyway, I guess I'm just talking nonsense, but if I end up doing something insane and give up feasting on juicy animals, you'll be the first to know.

It's almost midnight and I'm ready to call it a night. Something really odd happened tonight that I had to mention before closing my peepers. I was watching Good Will Hunting for the first time (my roommate was amazed that I'd never seen it. I guess I was amazed, too) and I got an email from Quora. If you don't know what Quora is, check it out. I love it. Anyway, the suggested question that was emailed to me was "How much can people really change?" It's not the question that was strange but the picture that accompanied it. There, staring back at me was a screenshot from Good Will Hunting. Not only was it a screenshot from a movie almost 20 years old that I just happened to find while browsing Netflix, but it was taken from the exact scene that I was watching at that very moment. HOW CRAZY IS THAT???

I suppose I'll update again tomorrow if anything earth shattering happens to me. It won't, but maybe. I thought I might use this blog to also review things here and there. I'm thinking of ordering a beauty product I stumbled upon that seems absolutely disgusting but intriguing at the same time. I won't say what it is just yet in case I don't do it and then talking about it would have been completely irrelevant. We'll see. Stay tuned.

One step forward, 17,398 steps back.

The past couple of days haven't been my finest 48 hours. I've morphed into the bovine-iest of bovine. As I've said before, I reserve Saturdays as my cheat days, and yesterday was no different. Today, though...today is Father's Day and I have my son's father and my own father to celebrate and they both decided that they wanted steak. That would be okay if I had self-control, but it disappeared today and I went way overboard. I don't necessarily feel tons of guilt and I have a plan to offset the damage I've done, but who knows if that'll work.

I think a big part of my problem is that I don't have much of a support system. In fact, I have people that encourage my bad behavior. Boo hoo, right? There's really no one I can talk to when I'm feeling weak. I have me and that's it. Everyone else in my life is so caught up with themselves, but that has always been the case. I find that people only communicate with me when they have a problem or they need advice and it's infuriating, but I push my feelings of resentment aside for the most part. I've definitely cut a lot of people I was very close with out of my life in the past 6 months and I'm sure that eventually no one will be left. I know...shit just got real. But I'm okay with it. I actually prefer being alone. This blog helps.

That was a tangent. My apologies.

Back to steak. I've realized that I really don't like steak. Is that odd? I feel like people put steak on a pedestal, but it's just not for me. I didn't even get halfway through mine before I boxed it up and decided my dogs would appreciate it more than me. Give me Chick-fil-A over Ruth's Chris any day. Yeah, I said it.

I guess I'm just not in a humorous mood today. I probably shouldn't even post this blog entry, but this is my reality. I'll look back at this post and say to myself, "Self, you're an asshole sometimes." To that I say: why, yes...yes, I am.

Resisting temptation.

I had the perfect opportunity today to eat something smothered in gravy, or deep-fried, or oozing with cheese...but I didn't. A little background:

Once a week for years now, my dad has come over to my house and we've gone out to lunch or dinner somewhere. More often than not, I've taken these "opportunities" to stuff my face like a prize heifer. We're talking appetizer, entree, dessert...the whole nine yards. Lately, my dad has been showing up multiple times per week, out of the blue, and it stresses me out. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad more than anything in the world, but when I'm trying to diet, surprise visits to Temptation Island have caused me to lose my focus. Today, however, was a different story.

I found some self-control! It's been missing for years, but I guess I just tripped over it today. I would have loved to gnaw on a pile of crispy french fries or to gorge myself on coconut cream pie, but I had a simple grilled chicken salad and went about my day.

I won't lie, I'm looking forward to dinner. I don't know what I'll be eating, but when I'm finished, I'll be hiding in my room and away from the refrigerator and pantry for the rest of the night. There are some chocolate squares just waiting to bully me, but since I'm such a strong woman, I'm covering my head with a blanket and rocking myself to sleep while trying to ignore the voices.

Anyway, the real test will be this Friday. My dad and I have found a new place we'd like to try and nothing about it seems conducive to weight loss. Luckily, I have some time to go over the menu and force myself to stick with something sensible. Ugh, I hate being responsible. With all of the advances in science and technology, you'd think someone would have invented fat-free, calorie-free, sugar-free, carbohydrate-free food that tastes like heaven by now. I'm bitter.

Beauty Experiment: Day 2

It's the day after derma rolling and my face doesn't itch or burn anymore. PHEW! That's really the only update I have. I should probably take pictures and compare them to pictures I'll take 4 weeks from now. I've read that progress is really slow with this procedure and a series needs to be done for noticeable results. Overall, I'm thrilled that I didn't destroy my face, but I'll update if/when I see results...or if/when I don't.

I would like to mention that I'm not new to beauty experiments. In fact, I've been trying a few things here and there since November. Some have been awful and some have been promising. Someone once told me that I'm too vain and it made me chuckle. I do things to make myself feel better because my self-esteem isn't great, not because I'm anywhere near conceited. Regardless, I don't need to justify myself and that particular person is a jerk anyway. :)

Sunday, I forgot to mention that I had 4 SmartPoints left over from the day. Yesterday, I had 1 SmartPoint left over. Weight Watchers encourages people to use up ALL of their points, but sometimes you just can't. Last night I ended up eating boatloads of tuna salad on Ritz crackers with Tabasco on top and it was deeeeeelish. After that, I snarfed down a pound of strawberries with fat free Reddi-Whip and then I was stuffed like a tick.

So we arrive at today. What, oh what, should I throw down my throat today? I'm thinking spaghetti squash with marinara but I also want some of these meatless "chicken" nuggets I bought. I wonder if it would be gross to mix the two. Yes. The answer is yes, Lindsay. I'm trying to plan my day so that I don't end up with an empty bag of chips in my lap later.

I had a thought early this morning. Dangerous, I know. But anyway, my thought was to go to Barnes & Noble with my spawn to browse the books. You may ask, "WHY?!" and I assure you, that question is all but drowning out the entire idea. I REALLY want to get out of this house, but I can't think of anywhere to go. I have to stay out of the sun for now, and it has to be somewhere my kid won't drive me insane. This is a tall order. Let's just take a nap instead.

Another day, another calorie.

I'm really running out of good titles for my posts. Could you tell?

I've done well today. I'm not currently obsessing over what's next on the menu and I have enough SmartPoints for a decent dinner and maybe even dessert! Squee! My life is sad.

I just finished derma rolling (or micro needling...whatever you want to call it, you picky bastard!) my face for the first time and HOLY SHIT, that was an experience. You would think that rolling 540 tiny needles across your face would produce maybe a slight tickle at most, right? No? Just me? Okay. It was pretty damn uncomfortable, but I soldiered through like the champion I am. If it doesn't produce any results (meaning, if I don't wake up tomorrow looking 18), there's going to be smoke in the city. They say it takes up to four weeks for the skin to fully heal from derma rolling, so I suppose I have to be patient. Hmmmph. It's so itchy right now, though. I sure hope that isn't a sign that something's amiss. I disinfected it like a mofo before I used it. Here's to hoping I don't wake up to a blistering rash instead.

I slept like crap last night. I kept waking up because my anxiety is being a jerk again. I have horrible health anxiety and something has really been worrying me lately, but my blog is not a place for me to talk about it, and, frankly, I don't want to talk about it. Whoa, I just got all serious. There's no place for seriousness here! Move along!

Back to food. What should I have for dinner? Chicken parmesan? Sesame chicken? Fiesta chicken? These are all Lean Cuisines, by the way. I don't cook. Pfffft. Also, I have a love affair with poultry.

I suppose this is all I have to say for another day. Damn, my face burns.

Evil, thy name is Oreo.

The past couple of days have been a disaster. Those stupid Oreo Thins weaseled their way into my mouth and quickly migrated to my thighs and ass, getting lost in the never-ending sea of dimples. Why are dimples cute on the face cheeks but not on the butt cheeks? Quite the philosophical question, I know.

Today tells a less terrible tale, however. I managed to eat my greens and low-fat, preservative- and sodium-laden microwave meals to keep me within my Weight Watchers SmartPoints allowance. Have I mentioned that I'm using Weight Watchers? Well, I am, and let me say that the SmartPoints system SUCKS! But, alas, I continue to try to stick with it. When Weight Watchers switched from PointsPlus to SmartPoints, they took away all that was good in the world. I used to be able to spend my points on junk, but now they want to act like my mommy and make me eat healthy garbage. The nerve!

I was thinking today that I never really worried too much about my weight until after my son was born. Sure, I've never been a stick figure, but I can't remember struggling before the way I do now. Post pregnancy, my body hasn't been able to keep my weight at a reasonable level and I've been forced to be conscious of EVERYTHING I put in my mouth (wink, wink...I'm sorry; that was inappropriate). Gone are the days when chocolate could be somewhat binged upon! I actually had to binge on (gasp!) broccoli this evening. I mean, I like broccoli, but it just doesn't seem to make my tastebuds dance the way Oreo Thins can. Who'd have known?

Okay, so I suppose I can say that June 12th was a success. Can we possibly practice some self-discipline and make it two days in a row?! That remains to be seen, but either way, you'll be hearing about it Interwebs!

Hello, it's me...

...I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to eat. Ba dum tssssss!

My father came over yesterday and talked me into going out for dinner. We went to BJ's Brewhouse and I ordered chips and salsa for an appetizer and a salad for my entree. Sounds okay, right? Well, then I decided on a little to-go order of a Tavern-Style Pizza because it looked delicious and I'd been wanting to try it. But, wait! There's more!

After we left BJ's, to-go order in hand, we stopped by a grocery store because my dad said he wanted a cake. He didn't find one, but what he did find was the cookie aisle. There, he talked me into buying my arch nemesis, Oreo Thins. Then my son said he wanted some Oreos, too. And since I'm nice, I picked up some chocolate chip cookies for my roommate. They happened to be two for $5, so, of course, I had to buy two. But, wait! There's more!

I walked by the refrigerated area where there were single slices of cake begging for a home. Not one to be heartless, I took three of them with me.

The good news is, I didn't eat any of the extra stuff last night. The bad news is, I have tons of temptation in this house, just a few feet away, in fact, and I'm not confident that I'll be able to resist their advances (you know how pushy cookies can be).

And so, I'll be here...watching the clock tick away...until lunchtime, when I will make healthy choices not involving chocolatey wafers sandwiching sweet cream. Tick, tock. Mmmmm, chocolatey wafers...I love you...

So far, so good.

It's June 6th now and I'm satisfied with how things have been going. I started this weekly ritual a while ago where I use Saturdays to stuff my face, and this past Saturday was no different. I went to the binge-iest of binge-y places: Olive Garden. Surprisingly, I wasn't able to finish what awaited me at the trough. Still, it was a nice change from the predictable Lean Cuisines and grapes I've been eating. As I type this, I'm laughing because it's only been 6 days (well, 5, really, because it's still early) and I'm patting myself on the back for only having binged once. Meh. Psychological games are fun, aren't they?

I haven't been feeling that great lately. I don't know if the things I'm feeling are just small and my anxiety is making them seem more serious or not. Anxiety is the damnedest thing. I don't really want to elaborate, but I will say that I really need to get off of my ass and start moving around or my health is going to suffer. I have to convince that kid of mine that wandering around a mall without buying anything is a good idea. Actually, I need to convince myself that wandering around a mall without buying anything is a good idea. Maybe I'll look into a YMCA membership. I'd love to start swimming and since I've put forth a good effort in not making friends for the entire time I've lived here, I'm not ashamed to show up in a swimsuit in all of my exposed, dimply glory.

It's just about lunchtime and I'm trying to figure out what to eat. Spaghetti? Grapes? Spaghetti and grapes? I know, I know...sounds so pretentious and gourmet. Don't envy me.

As for an update on my miniature goal, I had a 5-pound loss at my weigh-in on Saturday. I know that was water weight so I won't get my hopes up too high. If I can maintain that loss, I'll only need another 5-pound loss over a 4-week period to meet my miniature goal. I have another goal I'd like to meet as well. It requires that I hit a specific number on the scale and then I'll do something out of the ordinary and (attempt to) set up a "date" with a dude I met in my last semester of college. I put date in quotations because I'm not sure how I feel about it being romantic, but I do like having him as a friend. Why am I talking about this? It's ridiculous. And I'm lonely...so lonely.. I kid, I kid.

Try. Try again.

It's been three years since I last posted to this blog. In that time, I've become a single lady (no one liked it, so, therefore, no ring on it), graduated from college, lost weight, and gained it back. As has been with all of my past posts, this one will focus mainly on my journey with dieting. I'd love to be able to say that this time will be different, but since I'm a rational person, I know that all I have for now is hope.

One more thing that has changed in the time that I've neglected this blog is the emergence of a new classification of eating disorder called Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I don't need an official diagnosis from a doctor to know that I suffer from this disastrous disorder and I desperately want to stop.

Today, June 1, 2016 is (hopefully) the day that I'm able to turn things around. I'm staring at the clock - 8:19 a.m. - and time is crawling by. How many times have I thought about food so far today? Countless. But I know my mind is stronger and louder than the obnoxious growling of my stomach. I've also learned that a growling stomach doesn't necessarily mean I'm hungry; it means my intestines are shifting things around in there. So do your job, intestines! Let's poop! Kidding. I don't need this blog to focus on excrement.

There are other things I'd like to discuss on this blog. You see, I'm somewhat of an intolerant person when it comes to certain areas of my life and what I observe around me. There are many, MANY things (and people...people are the worst) that annoy me. I don't know if I'll go into all that, though. I think jotting my thoughts down can be therapeutic; however, what if someone actually reads this? Sure, I can be cryptic, but sometimes you just want to call an idiot out, amirite? I guess we'll see where this goes.

I'll publish this now and get through the day. If I return for a second post, it means that I was feeling vulnerable and in danger of shoveling groceries down my neck. It's better to use my hands to type than to shovel.

Oh, one more thing. I have a miniature goal. I'd like to lose at least 10 pounds in the next five weeks. That's certainly not unattainable and can be done healthily. I have a couple of concerts to attend this summer and I want to feel comfortable in the sweltering Austin heat. Nothing worse than being sweaty AND a heifer. Moo.